As I said in response to Amanda, I’m pretty uncomfortable with my post — the opinions of a cis, het, white man — becoming a site for discussion of this issue. I don’t want to seem like I’m just trying to have the last word, so I’ll just say that while I still disagree, I really do appreciate your sharing your perspective. You’ve given me a lot to think about; but I also think maybe dudes in tech could stand to walk on eggshells a bit.

In any case, I’m going to close comments on this post now.

Please forgive my tone. As Ms. Blum commented, this article is the only one i’m trying to reply to besides the article Ms. Blum wrote herself. I’m incredibly deeply frustrated and angry about this entire situation. Adria is in the wrong. It will take me many paragraphs to explain why. I’m actually, as a woman in her late 40′s, completely stunned that this much discussion has gone on and so few seem able to see this for what it is.

My comment is under my name, Carrie, on Amanda’s blog on this page – https://amandablumwords.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/3/comment-page-2/#comments
Apart from there, i’ve only commented on my personal twitter account about this situation.

If I may say, your article…the last paragraphs beginning with “Here’s what I want to say…” arrrghhhhh! I appreciate that you’re trying to understand and get something out of all this. So please, consider my input.

Adria screwed up. If other accomplished woman who *have* shared her experience, and much worse, cannot be heard so she can finally learn, how do you expect women and men to get anything positive out of this? Some of us are correcting her and telling Adria she handled this badly and wrong because SHE DID. And she needs to finally learn this lesson for her own sake as much as everyone else’s. I dearly want women, and men, to get there, to get something positive out of this mess. So please bear with me.

The onus WAS on Adria to handle this properly. She’s a professional public figure with a job requiring her to be able to function appropriately in a public setting. Right there, from the standpoint of professional responsibility, she is accountable.

This was a private conversation between these men. They were using industry slang, commonly known and used in her industry, which Adria interpreted in a way she needed to so that she could lash out for her previous long frustrating days at conferences. If women expect men to not be men, to not allow them their individual interests and conversations, why do women want to work in industries dominated by men? If a woman does not like how men speak amongst themselves, does not appreciate that they adjust when directly speaking to and with women, how do women expect the workplace to ever evolve so everyone is safe, protected, productive and enjoyable to work with? If you are a woman, you have to walk in that door aware you are a different gender but not bashing everyone over the head with it and demanding everyone else walk on eggshells. If you are in a position with a loud voice, responsibility, representing your company or organization publicly, you have to know how to do that effectively and have effective communication skills. Adria failed – not because she’s a woman – but because she thinks she has all the answers, she has apparently few skills, a serious chip on her shoulder, and yet she expects to be rewarded simply for being female and having a job. Give me a break.

I’ve been sexually harassed, to the point of nearly assault, at work. I know what that is and how hard it is, day after day after day, to brush off the 1 comment a man makes only to have many more men repeat similar comments all day long. These men had no idea their counterparts had already made a comment. They didn’t know I had heard this stuff all day until I finally said “one of you saying something, ok. But when 20 of you come after, every freaking day, also making comments, it’s gets too much.” They heard me, they understood, they adjusted. Except for one vile man who took it too far and tried to get physical in my own office. I was management. Who do I run and tell? Today, that experience culminating in physical altercation, serious intimidation, isolation, etc etc etc took my health and I’m no longer an accountant in manufacturing. I’m now disabled with a life threatening illness brought on by 2 years of repeated constant daily sexual harassment from 1 jerk enabled by 20 other men and a weak male boss.

Listen, there is a lot worse road women have travelled in ALL industries and professions than what Tech and Adria are dealing with today. Go back to the 50′s and onward. Doesn’t matter what profession, what industry, what job – women have walked through hell and a lot of abuse. Many still do and that’s wrong. But there is a difference between the real and the imagined. If Adria doesn’t learn how to handle things and shut them down before they really get scary, she is going to take everyone down with her. To no good end. Adria is damaging all the progress that’s been made to date. She deserved to be fired. You don’t get a pass for being incompetent just because you’re a woman. Not anymore. At least I freaking hope not.

Last point. If you are a woman in a high profile or high demanding professional career position, as Adria was, you have to learn and know conflict resolution. You can’t be ‘afraid to speak up’. Men in authority positions don’t have anyone speaking up for them. Why do women expect it? Hillary Clinton doesn’t and hasn’t. What is Adria going to do when she owns a home, has a surly neighbor (try a 6 foot tall biker! that’s fun), how is she going to resolve that? Like she did with her apartment neighbor and knock on his door? If she can do that – and I know how that feels, to be strong enough to do that, to work up the courage and hide your fear – she’s done it already, so if she could do that, I don’t buy for one second that she couldn’t turn around in her chair at that conference and whisper to those men “hey guys, keep it down please?”

One thing women are very good at is calling out other women who are phony, calling out those women who take pleasure in making progress difficult for others. If you see women doing this in response to Adria, you owe it to yourself to consider their point. Adria is not a victim here, though it’s clear she dearly wants and needs to be. I wonder how much that earns in terms of annual salary? What’s the going rate for victimhood… and do health benefits come with that?

Mittlerweile bin ich für die Debatte der letzten Woche wirklich dankbar. Ich habe eine Menge gute Gespräche mit Menschen geführt, im Internet und außerhalb, vor allem darüber, mit was für selbstverständlichen rassistischen Vorurteilen meine Generation …